— Chris & Tabitha, October 25, 2013, Owen Farm, Chapmansboro, TN —
Owen Farm. Filter courtesy of Instagram.
[Text of toast that I gave with my gal pal, Courtney, the Magnificent Matron of Honor]
Bill:
In trying to figure out what to say today, I asked for help. I reached out to people who have been in relationships for varying lengths of time, and asked them to offer a few words about their relationship, about commitment and, if they wanted to, about marriage. Some of these come from your friends and family, people you know and love, some of whom are sitting here tonight. Some of them come from people you’ve never met, from friends and family of mine whose relationships I admire and who were kind enough to help me crowd source this toast! Here’s what they had to say.
Owen Farm. Filter courtesy of Instagram.
Courtney:
-Being in a relationship that is not disposable has really taken years to figure out, but ultimately I think it really takes deciding – again and again and again – that I do not consider this relationship to be disposable. It’s a subtle, but important distinction.
Bill:
-Years 1 through 7 are all about working out which of your own things you can keep and which you have to let go, negotiating space and ownership. We have no idea how we got through it, but sex and kids were helpful.
Tabitha and me, afternoon of rehearsal. © 2013 by JP
Courtney:
-You can’t expect more out of a relationship than you are willing to put into it.
Bill:
-Commitment is not really something you make or think or say so much as something that you do, endure, survive, and feed.
Owen Farm. Getting Ready.
Courtney:
-Adventure. It doesn’t have to be dangerous or exotic or expensive, but doing new things together is a great way to build and share a life. Whether it’s exploring a new (or familiar) city or climbing a mountain, seeking out new experiences has allowed us to learn about ourselves, each other and the world around us.
Bill:
-I know myself better than anyone else, and *I’m* sick of me at least once a day – how can I expect someone else to deal with the good and bad with perpetual good nature? I’m certainly not capable of it. So, ultimately, for me, it’s about acknowledging that a lifetime partnership won’t always be a delight, but knowing that there’s nobody else you’d rather be in the trenches with.
Owen Farm. Inside the barn. Filter courtesy of Instagram.
Courtney:
-Self-care and self-love are foundational to being able to love a partner healthfully. Coming to the table with ourselves sorted out sweeps out enough space for real intimacy to take place.
Bill:
-Say sorry and mean it, say thank you and mean it. Share the remote. Take photos. Go on trips. Pull your own weight. Split up the chores. Listen. Talk. Listen some more.
Owen Farm. Outside the barn. Filter courtesy of Instagram.
Courtney:
-Go into a marriage knowing you are not trying to mold a person into what you might want them to be but to love that person for exactly who they are.
Bill:
-Marriage isn’t ALWAYS happy or sad, rich or poor, fun or serious, exciting or boring, good or bad, easy or hard, but it is ALWAYS worth the effort.
Owen Farm. Filter courtesy of Instagram.
Courtney:
-Being together is like having our own team, where we can be ourselves and relax, where we can be weird if we want and we always have each other’s back.
Bill:
-We are a team and committed to infusing our own corner of the world with good things in the form of laughter, hugs, eye-opening discussions, celebrations, magical experiences, and the support we each need when times are challenging, sad, or unpredictable.
Mom and Dad rehearse. © 2013 by JP
Courtney:
-Perhaps it’s less about a long-term commitment than it is about the choice we make in each moment to stay together and to stay true.
Bill
-Here’s the point: Marriage, or commitment, is about acknowledging that we all have our own valid ways of going through life, and your partner has a lot to teach you about how to manage a situation, you just have to let them do it in their own way.
My place card at the rehearsal dinner.
Courtney:
-Compromise is important, but compromise cannot always be approached from the perspective of giving in, or giving something up, or losing out. Rather, it must be framed in terms of setting priorities, figuring out what is *really* important, and then working together to determine what path makes the most sense.
Bill:
-Try to always assume the best in each other.
J’s place card at the rehearsal dinner.
Courtney:
-At the end of the day, marriage should not be about right or wrong, but about being reliable, kind, and understanding.
Bill:
-It’s more important to be kind than to be right.
J and me, day of rehearsal. #sunshineselfie
Courtney:
And, maybe most importantly,
-Don’t stop being sweet to each other.
Owen Farm, overlooking the Cumberland River.
Bill:
I ran everything I got through a word cloud program, to see which words were used most often and appeared most prevalently in the tag cloud. Unsurprisingly, words that stood out were:
balance
communication
patience
understanding
respect
honesty
kindness
compromise
adventure
trust
laughter
forgiveness
perseverance
friendship
happiness
Courtney and I give the toast. © 2013 by JP
The three words that were used most often, however, that showed up the largest, in the biggest, boldest font, the words that capture most succinctly and completely all the stories that people shared and all the reflections on being in relationship and advice about commitment and marriage, were these:
LOVE. TOGETHER. ALWAYS.
To Tabitha and Chris – cheers – we love you.
© 2013 by JP
Standing Desk: A Month of Standing
When I moved to France I was homesick and overwhelmed by the language and I remember thinking, if only I’d been here a month already. I was twenty-two. A month seemed like forever.
Now they fly by. It’s already been one month at my not-so-new standing desk! Here’s a quick recap:
Week One: this is awkward.
Week Two: this hurts.
Week Three: gel mat fabulousness! My amazing friends @citizensbrewco picked me up a gel mat on a run to Costco, and hand delivered it to my office.
I have since removed the sticker.
I continue to feel more productive when I’m standing, not because standing is an inherently more productive posture (although maybe it is?) but because, as I have said before, I am less inclined to get distracted. In part this is because it’s so easy to walk away – I’m already up, and if I’m in between things I can walk into the hall to get some water or pace back and forth while thinking about what I’m going to do next. I’ve also begun pacing while composing emails in my head, and then I will go back to the computer and actually type them. This instead of pathologically checking Facebook or Gawker, teeing up the next round of dream properties on Zillow, or scanning the latest rants from DCist.
I’m also engaging in more “deliberate sitting.” What does that mean? I used to stand or walk deliberately. I would make a point to get up frequently to get water out of the water fountain in the hall or from the bottle filling station in the basement of a building across campus, or I would walk across the quad to a different building to use the bathroom. These activities got me moving a little bit but weren’t “productive” (that word is fraught) in that they took me away from my office – so they were differently productive, let’s say, because I was moving, which was the goal for the moment, and besides whenever I leave the building I usually run into someone along the way and those conversations often lead to new projects, ideas, questions, or maybe just better collegiality, so not un-productive.
But now I treat myself with sitting, and the key here is that I sit away from the computer. And when I decide to sit down, I have to think about what I want to do while I am sitting. Because I have been standing I am usually excited just about the possibility of sitting, which infuses whatever I’m doing with that same excitement – whatever book or article I choose to read when I sit, or message I sketch out in long hand, or lists I make or classes I think through or meetings I prep for. If I’m not teaching, I sit more in the afternoons. I make tea, I sit awhile, and I engage with whatever I am doing in a way that I wasn’t before when my afternoon slump hit and my proverbial rainbow wheel started spinning and I almost unconsciously, robotically reached for the mouse and clicked on Sporcle or Facebook. The Burning Question: What has happened since the last time I checked fifteen minutes ago? The Eternal Answer: Absolutely nothing. It’s shocking how frequently an entire afternoon will pass and I won’t have checked my personal email or been on Facebook once. It’s fantastic. And I’m reading more, which also feels great.
Do I have more energy? I don’t know. Do I, in general, feel better? Yes. But again, it may be just in my head – and I no longer think that’s a bad thing.
Finished reading Jill Bialosky’s History of a Suicide: My Sister’s Unfinished Life and Matthew Sanford’s Waking: A Memoir of Trauma and Transcendence.
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