[*Warning: this post contains strong sexual innuendo courtesy of the NFL.]
I never knew I liked watching football until a couple of years ago. I was living in Boston when the Patriots began their string of Super Bowl wins, and began tuning in on weekend afternoons after I met a couple of friends who were really into it. And I must say, watching football with gay people is a really fun thing to do.
There are a few reasons for this.
1) Growing up, the rules of football were not something you learned, but something you knew. For instance, I would never have asked why something happened, what a call meant, why a player did this or that, or what all the pretty lines were for. Never. It’s not because I actually feared being ridiculed or injured, but I just never thought of it. It simply wasn’t done. Watching with gay people, however, in an environment where and among friends with whom I felt perfectly comfortable, I started asking questions. And oh my god, suddenly things started making sense. It’s amazing how even the vaguest understanding of rules and strategy turns a football game into something, dare I say it, exciting! (And I’m talking pro ball here; I never got into the college stuff. I think there may be some residual baggage from having grown up in an Ole Miss Rebels household and unknowingly decorating my bedroom with Confederate flag paraphernalia; I liked the colors.)
2) Some of the players are really hot, and it’s fun to be able to talk about that.
3) Calling uniforms “outfits” is not frowned upon and won’t get you hurt.
But most importantly …
4) The commentary.
Bless their hearts. The guys who narrate football games simply cannot have any idea how gay they sound.
I say this because in such a hyper-hetero industry, you’d think if they knew they wouldn’t do it any more, but I keep tuning in week after week … and I am never disappointed. Put on your listening ears next time you’re watching a football game and see if you can’t identify some of these jewels.
- He’s big, he’s smooth, and he’s always relaxed.
- He goes down in the arms of Mitchell.
- Those two have been getting it on all afternoon.
- He grabbed the ball with one hand while getting a face full of Jeff Saturday.
- He has been on his back a lot.
- They were able to open a hole and he came right into it.
- That was a great big sack.
- Those guys hooked up 17 times during the regular season.
And what must be the all time greatest commentary from any game ever (thanks JB!): When that guy’s coming right in his face, it’s a whole different story for the quarterback.