Why joining a gym makes me think the Crucifixion was a hoax

Here’s why: Jesus H. Flippin’ Christ died when he was thirty-three, which I just turned a few weeks ago. That’s pretty much where the similarities stop, but he’s been on my mind the last couple of days because I joined a gym.  Jesus doesn’t really have anything to do with the gym, but I have been taking his name in vain pretty frequently (along with his Trinitarian Father’s). See, I hate the gym. But what I hate worse is feeling like shit all the time, and since it’s easier to cook up conspiracy theories on the treadmill than to focus on my pain and suffering (I suppose one could also watch Top Chef) that’s what I did.

In some hallucinogenic way, it makes sense to me.  Don’t get me wrong, Pilate and the garden and the meal and the ear and the forgiveness of sins and stuff is beautiful and, clearly, has endured. But in the end what seems more likely is that Jesus woke up when he turned 33 and realized he needed to take things to the next level. And I’m not kidding, the next level might just kill me, which is what got me on this whole thing in the first place. What I figured out yesterday while bouncing along on the treadmill is that it just seems more likely that Jesus was killed not by a band of power hungry politicians but by the ancient near eastern equivalent of a stationary bicycle.

Bit of a stretch?

The deal is that, unlike Jesus, I would like to see 34. And truth to tell, way beyond. I’m not in ill health, I just think I could feel better. But it’s hard to get up off one’s ass after three sedentary decades, which is why there were so many thoughts about literally dying while I was exercising.

This is not the first gym I’ve joined. Some of you may remember that, indeed, it was another gym experience that got this blog started in the first place. Looking back at that post, it’s too bad I didn’t stick with the whole gym thing the first (or second or third etc.) time around. Oh well.

My goals are few. 1) actually go. What I’ve learned over the years is that showing up is more than half the battle. Once I’m there I can do what I need to do, and I don’t always hate it. But I do hate going, so there’s the rub. So in addition to paying for it (something new I am trying to see if it encourages more frequent attendance, unlike the free university gym) I’m also trying a nine week couch to 5k program that I found online. It allows me to start off slowly, and then supposedly in nine weeks I’ll be running an entire 5k. I realize that probably sounds lame to a lot of people, but I don’t care. 2) Live longer than Jesus did. 3) Inspire only half as many crazy people. 4) Get home as quickly as possible and have a restorative cocktail.

Which is what I am doing right now.

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6 Responses to Why joining a gym makes me think the Crucifixion was a hoax

  1. Elizabeth says:

    Your blog consistently makes me laugh. Thank you for that. And good luck with Couch to 5K – it’s what got me started running 3 years ago, and I know several others who have done it. It’s a good program!

  2. girl chris says:

    I, too, did the couch-to-5K. It’s some sort of miracle, in that it actually worked even on a sloth like myself. Of course, I got stuck at the 5K part…some (*cough* crazy *cough*) people go on to run marathons and such. (Just kidding. I’m just jealous.)

    I also hate the gym…bought a treadmill on Craigslist before I left Boston so I could run in the dark, cavelike privacy of my basement instead. I recommend the second-hand treadmill; I do not recommend buying one from someone who lives on the second floor of an apartment with a narrow, curving staircase. I’ll carry those scars forever.

  3. Kim says:

    I am also doing couch to 5k and I’m on mile 2! I prefer hiking to pretty much anything, but I needed a jumpstart program. Ever tried yoga?

  4. randasfans says:

    Ohhh, I’m glad to know that y’all have some experience with the C25K program; thanks for the comments. I’m glad to know it works. I did my first week! I have no aspirations beyond finishing the program; I’ll see what I think when I get there. And, GC, I wish I had room in my apt for a treadmill, but as long as we’re in the city our quarters will remain pretty tight.

    Kim: Congrats on that second mile; if you turn around and squint your eyes you might see me waaaayyyyy back there. I’ll be the one bent at the waist and slobbering. And YES! I started practicing yoga this winter; I’m still very much a beginner, and I don’t do it nearly as much as I would like or — arguably — I should. But I really enjoy it. You got any recs or tips?

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