It isn’t often that we actually have the opportunity (privilege? burden?) to revisit our earlier selves — what we thought, felt, said … unless of course we wrote it down. As you may be aware, I am moving. In the process of packing this weekend I came across an old notepad that I had with me when I spent a year in France almost a decade ago. I am by turns mortified and amused to have found a list of what, at the time, might have become the titles of blog entries. As it stands, I’m not sure what I was up to. Just observing, I guess, because this was long before the advent of blogs. Anyway, it’s just a list. No elaboration. No explanation. And because I can’t imagine what I would do with them otherwise (burn them is the logical response), I figure why not share them here. But first, some caveats (because I am prone): I don’t understand several of these, but I decided to honor the integrity (!) of the text and reproduce them verbatim; I also decided not to asterisk the particularly curious ones and, for better or worse, add commentary. It’s probably not necessary for me to say this, especially to those of you who know me, but I perfectly adore France. And it’s doubly unnecessary because most of these could apply in equal measure to many other parts of the world, mostly mine.
1. Every light in this country is on a timer, so I’m halfway down the hall and find myself in complete darkness, all in the name of energy conservation. What the fuck? I CAN’T SEE!
2. P.E. Teachers: they’re lesbians even in France.
3. Body Odor: the gift that keeps on giving.
4. On open air markets: why that’s never a good idea.
5. Hair Color: let’s keep it simple, shall we? OR Come on girls: we can do better than *that.*
6. On showering: are we really asking too much?
7. I sat next to a dog on the bus: ‘Nuf said.
8. France: where everbody’s in a hurry and old people are the *biggest* assholes.
9. On driving in France: the power behind arbitrary honking.
10. Sunday in France: where lunch is lunch and dinner is too.
11. If you’re already wary of their appearance, *never* look at their fingernails.
12. Recital halls: veritable forums for latent homosexuals — even those who ride motorcycles.
13. Get some teeth and come back later.
14. Heavy-breathers go home.